The Mommy Wars

 I love Instagram. I love looking at the parenting content. That's where I am in my life, and of course a big part of what my career was focused on.

And.... I've learned the hard way, you can't read the comments!!! There is still a war going on on the topic of being a SAHM or working mom, and it can get pretty brutal in the anonymity of the internet.

What is it women are supposed to do anyway? We are judged if we stay home and we are judged if we work.... We are judged if we don't have any kids or if we have too many or too few. Basically there's just a lot of judging going on all the time no matter what you do. It's something I am trying to make peace with, and I think I've made some good progress.

So I want to be clear this post isn't meant to pass judgment on working moms or anybody else. These are just some comebacks I wish I could have shared in the comments section, but wisely didn't so things didn't continue in a downward spiral of pile-ons.

Real talk, with two young toddlers my house is often a mess, no matter how hard I try. It gets pretty frustrating sometimes. Sometimes other moms in my position post funny videos about it, and inevitably in the comments there are a bunch of parents (moms and dads) saying stuff like "I work full time and still manage to keep my house clean. If you can't with all the time you have you are making excuses." This used to make me feel really bad, until one day when shortly after I read these comments, I came across a post from a working mom stressing that she just didn't have enough time with her toddler. She picked them up from daycare at like 5:30 and got them fed, bathed, and to bed by 7, so she was only interacting with them for less than two hours a day.

That's the first time I really registered.... if your kid is in daycare all day, that's 8-10 hours a day they aren't messing up your house!! Working parents may have less time to clean, but sometimes that is related to having fewer messes from their kids not being home all day.

Then this week, in a brutal comment war on whether SAHMs' work is even worth anyway, someone listed all the things we are responsible for: the food, the cleaning, the laundry, etc., etc. Some snarky person said "You mean everything a working mom does minus work?" I wanted SO badly to post, "Yes, everything a working mom does minus work and plus 8-10 hours of providing childcare." Like, it's not like we can fully focus on cleaning and laundry and cooking when we have little ones we are trying to keep alive. Can we not discount that bit of it? If it could be discounted, daycare wouldn't be necessary and kids could just fend for themselves, right?

I guess the bottom line is I need to use Instagram less often. :) But, I feel a little empowered to look at these comments that used to hurt me and not be hurt anymore.

haunted

I found out I was pregnant on October 20. On November 21, I found out the baby's heartbeat had stopped. On November 28, I miscarried. 

So there was only one month where I thought I had a baby coming in June... and I spent half of that frightened because the baby wasn't growing right. There were only 2 weeks of looking forward to a third child... but those weeks sure haunt me. 

We told Matthew we were expecting. I guess this was a lesson to wait. But we only talked about it for 2 weeks. Once the bad news started coming, we stopped. He never asked any questions. I think he has forgotten all about it. 

I don't even know how to answer the question of how far along I was. Based on my last period, I should have been 10 weeks 2 days when I miscarried. But the baby's heart stopped sometime in between 8 weeks 2 days and 9 weeks 2 days, and the poor thing never grew bigger than they should have been at 6 weeks.

This Sunday I would have been 12 weeks along, and we would have shared our news with the world. I planned to slip it into a Christmas photoshoot... The kids would hold a sign that said "We're so cute, they're having another!" Silly that I planned that so early, huh? A cute idea but one I doubt I would want to use in the future. Would you believe at Halloween I even decided I would dress our family as the Aristocats next year? We would have enough kids for it! 

It helps a little to write this out in this little quiet corner of the internet. 

Peace in Pain

 My sweet Granny mailed me a quote she read in a Relief Society lesson. 

"Is there something difficult in your life right now, something you’re worried can’t be resolved? Without the eye of faith, that might feel like God has lost oversight of things, and is that true?

Or maybe your greater fear is that you’re going to go through this difficult time all by yourself, but that would mean God has abandoned you, and is that true?

It is my witness that the Savior has the ability, because of His Atonement, to turn any nightmare you are going through into a blessing. He has given us a promise “with an immutable covenant” that as we strive to love and follow Him, “all things wherewith [we] have been afflicted shall work together for [our] good.” All things.

And because we are children of the covenant, we can ask for this hopeful feeling now!"

(This is from Tamara W. Runia's talk from the October 2023 conference.)

It was exactly what I needed to hear. Our family has been faced with a number of big trials this past month... And there have been several times I've said that it feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare, and I can't wake up.

But here is my answer. Jesus can change any nightmare into a blessing. He understands all the struggles we go through because, in addition to suffering for everyone's sins, He experienced everyone's sorrows, pains, and challenges. He understands our experiences perfectly because He experienced them too. If I lean on Him, I can get through this and even come through stronger. After all, isn't that a big part of why we chose to be born on this earth? So we could experience challenges that weren't present at home in heaven and LEARN from them, so that we could be more like Heavenly Father. How could we learn compassion if we never knew suffering? How could we be tested if things never got hard? This is all part of the deal.

Through the midst of all of this, I have had 3 powerful experiences of feeling God's peace and love carrying me through. I know He is with me in all of this. Somehow, it will be okay... someday. And even if it isn't okay now, I can pray for hope and faith to hold on until it is okay eventually, in this life or the next.

On my absolute hardest morning, I woke up and felt so much peace and comfort. The thought crossed my mind, "Things will turn out better than you think." I got my hopes up that one of my challenges was going to be resolved, but instead... it had the worst turnout possible. I was hurt and confused and wondered why I felt prompted that things would turn out better than I thought.

But Sister Runia's talk had the answer to that too. She said, "I bear my testimony that this—all of this—is going to turn out so much better than we could ever imagine! With an eye of faith on Jesus Christ, may we see that everything will be all right in the end and feel that it will be all right now." This life is hard, but our eternal future is bright--brighter than we can even understand in this life. Someday, things will be better than I can imagine. As long as I remember that, I will be okay.

Sad News

We lost the baby. :( I went in today and there was no heartbeat. The little body has begun to shrivel and shrink. 

Today is a hard day. 

TW: Potential Miscarriage

 I don't think anyone really reads this blog anymore, and that is fine with me. I understand that blogs have gone the way of the typewriter, and you've got to post on Instagram if you want someone to read it. :) I don't know if I want someone to read this or not. I do feel a need to share, and this seems like a safe way to do it.

Around Rosemary's birthday, Trevor and I waxed nostalgic about her baby days. And as a result... we ended up not trying not preventing that month, not really expecting anything to come of it that quickly. But, I got pregnant. It was the first time I'd ever surprised Trevor with pregnancy news. I set up this little display for him when he got home from work.

Our shoes and our birth years.... He thought it was really cute.

I have a thyroid disease and so I go into my OBGYN very early for my pregnancies, usually when I'm only 4-5 weeks along. This time they couldn't get me in until 7 weeks, but I had my regular doctor put in a thyroid test and check to see if my meds needed to be adjusted.

We went into the appointment and I was excited to find out we could use an ultrasound to see the baby that day. I mentioned to the doctor that I wasn't having the crippling nausea I experienced with the other two. My main symptom was insomnia. 

I always use a pregnancy tracker app to "watch" my baby grow. I knew a 7 week old baby should be the size of a blueberry. But right away the doctor asked if I could be wrong about when I ovulated. The baby was only measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, 11 days behind. The doctor could see a flicker that she thought was a heartbeat, though.

She said it was possibly I just had my dates wrong and I had a younger baby than I thought. But, it was also possible this was the first sign that something was going wrong. She told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound.

Well, that week passed slowly, and we went in yesterday to the actual ultrasound clinic across the hall. 
(My doctor used a small portable unit the first week). I hoped for good news and feared I would be told I was miscarrying. The ultrasound technician was so so quiet during the ultrasound. I knew something was wrong. At the end she told us she was sorry, but the baby's size wasn't matching the dates and we would need to see my doctor. We had to wait for an hour for my doctor to squeeze me in.

The baby measured at 5 weeks 5 days (2.1 mm), so he/she didn't catch up their growth. It probably isn't a case of being off on our dates. The doctor explained that our yolk sac is a little large too (6mm), which can be a sign of chromosomal abnormalities, although it isn't definitive and healthy babies have been born before with large yolk sacs. The one good sign is that the heartbeat flicker had changed into a readable heartbeat (107 bpm), although a bit on the low side.

The doctor was positive. She was honest that there is a still a chance of miscarriage, but she also thinks we don't need to totally give up hope yet. She says the portable ultrasound isn't very accurate on sizing, so she wants us to come back in another week and get another ultrasound at the clinic to see if there is any growth/a heartbeat still. She said that we should still celebrate where we were at, with a living baby inside me, regardless of what happens next.

Trevor asked her a million questions hoping she could tell us what is most likely to happen, a miscarriage or baby catches up, but she just couldn't tell us. She finally said flat out that she is concerned that this is not a viable pregnancy. But that right now, it still is a viable pregnancy and we just have to wait and see. She is happy about the heartrate but concerned about the lack of growth and the large yolk sac.

Today my heart is heavy. I tried to do some internet research, and all I found were stories of miscarriages. I am not feeling optimistic and I am so disappointed. But part of me, of course, can't help but hope for a miracle. 

#momlife

Some days, man. 

Tonight I was running late making dinner. I tried to cook one handed with a crying Rosemary while trying to keep Matthew from destroying our home. Partway through I looked down and noticed a strange green stain on my sleeves. I had no clue what it was and kept going until a few minutes later, whenI realized Rosemary had a blowout I had been smearing all over myself. 🤣😂🤣🤣🤣

The worst part was I was cooking rice a roni on the stove and I didn't feel like I could leave to address the mess until I got it simmering. Once I added the water I left in a rush and forgot to turn down the heat. I came back to a thick layer of burnt rice on the bottom of the pan (most of it survived though, Fortunately!) And a toddler who also had a poopy diaper that needed to be changed. 

Life is crazy sometimes! It will be a funny story at some point... maybe even to whoever actually reads this :)

adventures

Matthew and I went on a little mother son date for a couple of hours. We went to the library and the play place at the mall. He even got to ride one of the coin operated rides there and he picked out some candy from the candy machines too.



The second I walked in my parents' door to pickup Rosemary, Mom pointed out that a couple buttons on my shirt had come undone and my bra was showing. Now I have to wonder when that happened and how many people saw. 😳😫🤣