Last Sunday, after much encouragement from my husband, I flew out to Utah to see my grandma one last time.
I'm so glad that I did. Nearly all of Grandma's descendants still live in Utah--I think my mom, my sister Shauna and I are the only exceptions, and the two of them have been with her for the last couple weeks taking care of her.
Because I flew out, ALL of Grandma's blood descendants came to see her last Sunday. All the kids, all the grandkids, all the great-grandkids. Grandma was still in good spirits there. She bore testimony to us that there is life after death, that she is not at all afraid of death and she knows she will reunite with our loved ones in the Spirit World. I am so grateful that I was here to hear her words.
I've stayed in Utah since then. Grandma is not scared of death, but dying is another matter. My poor Grandma is dying of starvation. She has inoperable tumors sealing off her intestines so no nourishment can get through. To make it worse.... she had kidney issues just a week ago that led her to retain water.... and her body is relying on that water now to keep from dying from thirst. It means that we get to keep her longer, but it is prolonging her suffering.
It's been so hard to watch her slip away. By now she is very far gone, hallucinating and not responsive to the people near her. She's on a morphine drip but she is still in pain.
She's still hanging on. The nurse thinks it will be another week. I don't know how she could go on another week in this condition.
Friday, September 28, 2018
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Saying Goodbye
Today I got word that they are putting my grandma in hospice care.
It's been about a year and a half since she was diagnosed with cancer. At first we were all in shock, but we were optimistic. The doctors thought she had a good chance.
She struggled through the agonies of chemotherapy. Eventually she got the exciting news that her cancer was in remission. We were so relieved.
But... things took a turn for the worst again. We found out the cancer was back.... It was a bit of a roller coaster ride from there. We knew she might die, but things kept happening that would give us a glimpse of hope.
Just yesterday, there was a glimpse. Her doctors decided to try a new treatment on her. They weren't giving up.
And then.... today I got word that she's been taken to the Huntsman Cancer Center. The cancer is even more advanced than they realized. They are moving her to hospice on Monday, and they expect she'll live another 2 to 4 weeks.
I feel... numb, almost. I can't quite believe that it is true. It hasn't sunk in yet. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I move on to thinking about what I need to get done today (Oh yeah, I still need to shower.... I really need to straighten this kitchen... etc. etc.), I feel guilty... going about my normal life when hers is ending.
I want to go visit her. It's been too long! When I lived in Utah I saw her often, but it's been over three years now since I moved back here. I still saw her occasionally. The last time I really spent time with her was when I flew out for Melissa's wedding last year in February. I stayed at my grandparents' overnight and my grandma and I spent a lot of quality time together. It's actually one of my favorite memories of being with her.
I saw her again last June when I flew out for Kristie's wedding. But already she was not up to staying at the wedding celebrations very long.
By my wedding in November, she was too sick to come. The last time I saw her was a couple days before my wedding. I stopped at her house to show her my wedding dress. She told me she wished so much she could come to the wedding ceremony, but I understood that her health was too fragile.
I ended up having to rush off at the end of our visit. I was supposed to meet Trevor in Salt Lake City to get our marriage license. I wish I'd stayed longer with her then.
I'm wondering if I should fly out to see her one last time. Unfortunately I have a bad cold right now..... and the last thing I want to do is hasten her end. :(
I'm going to miss her so much. But I do know families are forever and this will not be the end. I need to keep that in my mind. Death is only a temporary separation.
It's been about a year and a half since she was diagnosed with cancer. At first we were all in shock, but we were optimistic. The doctors thought she had a good chance.
She struggled through the agonies of chemotherapy. Eventually she got the exciting news that her cancer was in remission. We were so relieved.
But... things took a turn for the worst again. We found out the cancer was back.... It was a bit of a roller coaster ride from there. We knew she might die, but things kept happening that would give us a glimpse of hope.
Just yesterday, there was a glimpse. Her doctors decided to try a new treatment on her. They weren't giving up.
And then.... today I got word that she's been taken to the Huntsman Cancer Center. The cancer is even more advanced than they realized. They are moving her to hospice on Monday, and they expect she'll live another 2 to 4 weeks.
I feel... numb, almost. I can't quite believe that it is true. It hasn't sunk in yet. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I move on to thinking about what I need to get done today (Oh yeah, I still need to shower.... I really need to straighten this kitchen... etc. etc.), I feel guilty... going about my normal life when hers is ending.
I want to go visit her. It's been too long! When I lived in Utah I saw her often, but it's been over three years now since I moved back here. I still saw her occasionally. The last time I really spent time with her was when I flew out for Melissa's wedding last year in February. I stayed at my grandparents' overnight and my grandma and I spent a lot of quality time together. It's actually one of my favorite memories of being with her.
I saw her again last June when I flew out for Kristie's wedding. But already she was not up to staying at the wedding celebrations very long.
By my wedding in November, she was too sick to come. The last time I saw her was a couple days before my wedding. I stopped at her house to show her my wedding dress. She told me she wished so much she could come to the wedding ceremony, but I understood that her health was too fragile.
I ended up having to rush off at the end of our visit. I was supposed to meet Trevor in Salt Lake City to get our marriage license. I wish I'd stayed longer with her then.
I'm wondering if I should fly out to see her one last time. Unfortunately I have a bad cold right now..... and the last thing I want to do is hasten her end. :(
I'm going to miss her so much. But I do know families are forever and this will not be the end. I need to keep that in my mind. Death is only a temporary separation.
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| My last time with Grandma before my wedding |
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