Saying Goodbye

Today I got word that they are putting my grandma in hospice care.

It's been about a year and a half since she was diagnosed with cancer. At first we were all in shock, but we were optimistic. The doctors thought she had a good chance.

She struggled through the agonies of chemotherapy. Eventually she got the exciting news that her cancer was in remission. We were so relieved.

But... things took a turn for the worst again. We found out the cancer was back.... It was a bit of a roller coaster ride from there. We knew she might die, but things kept happening that would give us a glimpse of hope.

Just yesterday, there was a glimpse. Her doctors decided to try a new treatment on her. They weren't giving up.

And then.... today I got word that she's been taken to the Huntsman Cancer Center. The cancer is even more advanced than they realized. They are moving her to hospice on Monday, and they expect she'll live another 2 to 4 weeks.

I feel... numb, almost. I can't quite believe that it is true. It hasn't sunk in yet. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I move on to thinking about what I need to get done today (Oh yeah, I still need to shower.... I really need to straighten this kitchen... etc. etc.), I feel guilty... going about my normal life when hers is ending.

I want to go visit her. It's been too long! When I lived in Utah I saw her often, but it's been over three years now since I moved back here. I still saw her occasionally. The last time I really spent time with her was when I flew out for Melissa's wedding last year in February. I stayed at my grandparents' overnight and my grandma and I spent a lot of quality time together. It's actually one of my favorite memories of being with her.

I saw her again last June when I flew out for Kristie's wedding. But already she was not up to staying at the wedding celebrations very long.

By my wedding in November, she was too sick to come. The last time I saw her was a couple days before my wedding. I stopped at her house to show her my wedding dress. She told me she wished so much she could come to the wedding ceremony, but I understood that her health was too fragile.

I ended up having to rush off at the end of our visit. I was supposed to meet Trevor in Salt Lake City to get our marriage license. I wish I'd stayed longer with her then.

I'm wondering if I should fly out to see her one last time. Unfortunately I have a bad cold right now..... and the last thing I want to do is hasten her end. :(

I'm going to miss her so much. But I do know families are forever and this will not be the end. I need to keep that in my mind. Death is only a temporary separation.

My last time with Grandma before my wedding