Myths that Scare People Out of Real Relationships

I originally wrote this piece for my job, but the Communications Director felt it was too similar to another piece we did on myths (I think he was right). So I decided to share it here instead. :)

What’s scarier than ghosts and goblins? Try rejection, abandonment, or (for some) commitment. Dating and relationships can be downright terrifying. Are your fears holding you back from experiencing a real relationship? Here are some common relationship myths that scare people out of real relationships, and some remedies to overcome them.

Myth #1: You only have one soul mate.

Books, movies, and songs on the radio focus on finding your soul mate—your one perfect match who can make your wildest dreams come true. Some singles agonize over finding their one and only soul mate—the one person out of the 7 billion in this world who can make them happy. They are afraid to commit because what if the other person isn’t who they are fated to be with? The truth is that are many people each of us could have a happy marriage with. Each person chooses their “soul mate,” and makes them into their one and only. Over time together as a couple, spouses grow closer together and become “soul mates”.

Some people become so fixated on finding a soul mate that it hurts the relationships they do have. When their relationship runs into trouble (and all relationships do!), they assume it means they are with the wrong person, and so they end the relationship and head off to try again. Relationships are not perfect—there will be hard times couples face together. This is true with any relationship.

Myth #2: Love hurts more than it’s worth.

A relationship involves giving your all to another person. If the other person doesn’t feel the same way, it can be an incredibly painful experience. Rejection or a breakup can be devastating. But isn’t it worse to be left wondering what might have been? Everyone gets a little battered and bruised in the search for love, but the happiness and security someone feels when they do find that special someone more than make up for the pain that comes before. As they say in A Cinderella Story, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!” If singles sit out on the sidelines of the dating world for fear of getting hurt, they may cost themselves the chance to find someone.

Myth #3: Marriage is a 50/50 chance

We often hear the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. This might give the idea that success in marriage is a flip of the coin—a 50/50 chance of staying together. But that isn’t the case! This statistic reflects current trends in marriage, not every couple’s likelihood of staying together. If a couple is worried about the possibility of divorce, there are steps they can take to strengthen their relationship. They should consider attending a relationship or marriage education course to help make their relationship the best it can be. Still looking for a partner? A relationship education class can help singles choose wisely.

 Myth #4: Love doesn’t last.

This one is closely related to #3. Maybe someone’s parents divorced when they were a child. Maybe one of their relationships ended. Maybe someone gets discouraged by the tabloids advertising the latest celebrity breakup. In any case, some singles may be worried that love just doesn’t last. But it can, and it does. Look to examples in the media—President Obama and his wife just celebrated their twentieth anniversary. Billy Crystal has been married to his wife Janice for 42 years. Meryl Streep has been with her husband Don Gummer for 33 years. Focus on the positive marriage role models out there. Love isn’t easy. It takes work. But it can be forever, and for many people, it is.

Myth #5: You have to be established before you can have a relationship.

Does this sound familiar? Someone holds back from a relationship because first, they need to graduate, they need to get a job, they need to become financially independent? Love often doesn’t come at a convenient time, and it almost never comes when people expect. If love comes into someone’s life a bit earlier than expected, they should consider carefully whether they do need to meet their goals before pursuing a relationship. Sometimes, it is best to wait. Other times, people use their set time frame as an excuse for avoiding relationships—and they often regret it later on.

Myth #6: You don’t deserve it.

Sometimes people fall into the trap of thinking they are not good enough to be in a relationship. These people tend to be insecure and unsure of their own worth. Remember, no one is perfect. Everyone has traits and habits that they need to work on. But the truth is that right now, exactly as you are, you are loveable. You deserve to love and be loved. If this is something you struggle with, consider attending a relationship education course or meeting with a counselor to help you realize your worth.

It’s time to face your fears in relationships and dating. Don’t let these myths hold you back from experiencing a real, loving relationship.

Opposites

So many of you know that as part of my job, I am running the Facebook and Twitter pages for Healthy Relationships California and California Healthy Marriages Coalition. (So fun! Who knew that social media would be a job skill?!?!?) Every day, I do 4 Tweets and 3 Facebook posts on each page. That means that I've spent a lot of time lately looking at relationships/dating/marriage articles online, trying to find good stuff to share.

Today I stumbled across an article on the Huffington Post called "The Athlete Mixed Marriage." Basic premise: non-athletic woman marries super athletic man, she ponders the irony that one spouse cannot live without something the other spouse would never dream of doing. One quote in particular stood out to me: "John and I are out of step with the marriage times. Hyper-compatibility between spouses in temperament and lifestyle is one of the strongest marital trends of the last decades. By 'assortative mating,' we're marrying people with almost the exact same educational background, earning potential, job experiences, ambitions, hobbies, interests, class background, and values. In other words, we're marrying ourselves."

It's true. In the modern world, there is very much a focus on marrying someone a lot like you. And, now that the barrier between genders is not as concrete as it used to be, spouses are more like each other than ever before. Back in the day, Johnny liked sports but Mary liked sewing... Now Johnny and Mary can do sports together.

I remember in my classes at BYU, we learned several times about the benefits of marrying someone a lot like you. In my Marriage Prep class, we read a book by Neil Clark Warren (the man behind eHarmony) that said every similiarity between you and your partner is money in the bank; every difference between you is a withdrawal. Study after study suggest that partners who are more similar to each other (in background, in belief, in values, in personality, etc, etc) do better.

I came out of all this with the idea that I needed to find a boy JUST like me. I realized that this would be a tall order, because a lot of my interests are pretty girly. Heck, we took a personality quiz in one class to see how "feminine" or "masculine" our personalities were, and I scored in the 100th percentile for feminine traits, 0th percentile for masculine (I didn't even know that was possible!).

But then, as an intern for Forever Families,  I had an opportunity to write an article on dating. It was reviewed by Dr. Jason Carroll (a Marriage Prep professor at BYU, though not the one I took a class from). I had a whole paragraph in there about the value of marrying someone a lot like you. He commented on this that I needed to remember, some differences are inherent in any relationship. Men and women are different, after all! But those differences can actually play off one another, compliment one another, to result in a stronger relationship.

That's when I realized that I didn't need to marry my clone. :)

Coming across the article in the Huffington Post brought that all back. In an age when gender differences aren't so prevalent, I think we may have become too fixated as a society on finding our one, perfect match-someone very much like us. What we need to remember is, variety is the spice of life. While we don't want to marry our polar opposite, some differences are okay. We can be very happy with someone else who doesn't share our passion for reading, or sports, or llama herding.