Today was a very snowy, icy day. Which meant that a lot of our choir decided to stay home instead of coming to practice.
I was horrified when I walked in ten minutes late and realized I would be the only soprano. There were only 2 altos... and somehow plenty of men! Trevor realized this was my worst nightmare and whispered to me that maybe I could try being an alto today.
I've always been a self conscious singer. Choir is helping me become more comfortable, but somehow I still live in fear of being the one sour note in the choir, of being quietly excused by the director because I have nothing to add. I can't really read music--it seems like a lot of people can sight read it, but I can't. I have to hear it, and what helps me the most is to follow the people singing next to me. So when I'm the only soprano, I flail.
Fortunately one other soprano came a few minutes later. I sang along, but quietly. I get quieter when I know people can hear me, which is bad because you have to be loud to hit some of those high notes.
Then the sweet alto next to me gave me some advice. "Don't be afraid to sing out! Just go for it--if you hit the wrong note or make a mistake, that's okay. I just made a huge one!" She came in at the wrong time once, and you know what, I didn't think anything of it. She caught it, she corrected it, no big deal.
It hit me later that this is really good advice for my whole life. I am a bit of a perfectionist. Sometimes it's worse than other times. Lately, for whatever reason, it's been really really bad... perfectionism mixed with anxiety that leads to analysis paralysis. I'm so scared to mess up or do the wrong thing that sometimes I don't end up doing anything at all, or I berate myself for everything I do because it just doesn't seem to measure up. And when I inevitably do make a mistake when I'm in this mode--oy! It's so hard to forgive myself.
But I can't let the fear of failure keep me from living my life. I need to get out there and "sing out"--I need to live my life doing the best I can. Sometimes I will say the wrong thing and hurt someone's feelings. Sometimes I'll burn dinner or break a plate. Sometimes I'll try to help someone and just make things worse. All of that is part of life. The trick is to not hold back to avoid making mistakes--holding back means missing out on living. The trick is to learn how to pick myself up and keep going after I fall.
I need to remember too that other people probably aren't judging me as harshly as I am judging myself. Even when they do judge me, that doesn't matter. My worth (like everyone's!) is infinite and eternal, and it never decreases. My Savior suffered and died to save me, and He would have still done it if I were the only person in this world. That's a comforting thought.
