Memories

My grandmother wanted a representative from each family to speak at her funeral, so ultimately 3 grandchildren ended up speaking. I volunteered to speak for my family since I am the oldest... we are by default the tribute children.

Here's what I shared:

               I thought long and hard about what memories to share today about my grandma. It’s hard to pick because I have so many!

               My grandma always made me feel very loved. She was always happy to see me or hear from me. I knew I could tell her anything—she would patiently listen to my childish flights of fancy, and later to my dating woes or school stresses. My family lives in Colorado so we were farther away than the other grandchildren, but somehow Grandma always stayed in the loop on our lives. Whenever I talked to her she’d know exactly what was going on in my life and she’d ask about specific details of my latest adventures and struggles. I knew she cared about me because she remembered all the little details of my life.

               She was always patient with me, no matter what. I can’t remember her ever being mad or impatient with me. I remember when we came out to visit as kids, my sister and I would sleep in the room across from my grandparents’. We would often stay up late talking and giggling, but Grandma never complained or shushed us. She told us she was happy we were enjoying our sister time.

Grandma was selfless and she would bend over backwards to serve those around her. When I grew up, I moved out to Provo to go to school at BYU. My sophomore year I moved out of the dorms and into an apartment. I didn’t have a car, and neither did any of my roommates. I didn’t have a good way to go grocery shopping. Grandma and Grandpa came every week that first semester to take me to the grocery store. It was a big sacrifice of time—I think it was at least an hour round trip—but they did it to take care of me. Figuring out what groceries I needed was a learning curve—I was so slow at first! But they were always patient with me and never made me feel rushed, and they were always willing to give advice. Afterwards they would always treat me to Burger King, and where they would listen to all my stories of life at the Y. Their service made me feel so loved. When Christmas came, they drove me all the way to the airport, even with snowstorms pending.

One of my favorite memories of my time with my grandma happened last year in February. I flew out to Utah for one of my friend’s weddings, and I stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. That weekend Grandma and I spent a lot of quality time together, going out to eat, talking about life. I was happy that my friend was getting married, but I was also sad and worried that I was still single at 29. Grandma and I had some heart to heart discussions about how she still had hope that I would find someone. She was so encouraging…. Back then I told her I was going to give up on men and go buy a house and a dog. She always told me that I could have all 3. In the end, she was right! One of the last things she said to me was, “You did! You got your husband, your house, and your dog!”

When I got married last year, she was too sick to come to the wedding, but I was able to stop by her house and model my wedding dress for her. I felt her support and love that day even though she wasn’t physically with me.

When we got the news a couple weeks ago that Grandma was going into hospice, I hopped a plane the next day so I could come say goodbye. I think all of her kids and grandkids came to see her that day. My siblings and I got to visit with her for a few minutes. We started to leave her so she could get some rest, but she called us back so she could share some spiritual experiences she had in her life concerning death. She bore her testimony to us that there is life after death, and she promised us she would be okay after she was gone. That was so comforting to me, and it’s something I’ve thought about often since. She was the one dying, but she comforted us.

I love my grandma so much! I will miss her. But I am so grateful to know that families are forever, and I know that I will see her again. I look forward to that day.

Grandma

Grandma and Grandpa and baby me

Today I got word that my grandma passed away.

I know it was a relief for her. She suffered so much on her way out!

But we will miss her so much. I am so grateful to know that families are forever and I will see her again someday. I know that right now she is enjoying a happy reunion with her parents and her brother and my cousin Jess... everyone who crossed over before she did.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't know there is life after death. That brings so much hope and peace to my life!

Grandma

Last Sunday, after much encouragement from my husband, I flew out to Utah to see my grandma one last time.

I'm so glad that I did. Nearly all of Grandma's descendants still live in Utah--I think my mom, my sister Shauna and I are the only exceptions, and the two of them have been with her for the last couple weeks taking care of her.

Because I flew out, ALL of Grandma's blood descendants came to see her last Sunday. All the kids, all the grandkids, all the great-grandkids. Grandma was still in good spirits there. She bore testimony to us that there is life after death, that she is not at all afraid of death and she knows she will reunite with our loved ones in the Spirit World. I am so grateful that I was here to hear her words.

I've stayed in Utah since then. Grandma is not scared of death, but dying is another matter. My poor Grandma is dying of starvation. She has inoperable tumors sealing off her intestines so no nourishment can get through. To make it worse.... she had kidney issues just a week ago that led her to retain water.... and her body is relying on that water now to keep from dying from thirst. It means that we get to keep her longer, but it is prolonging her suffering.

It's been so hard to watch her slip away. By now she is very far gone, hallucinating and not responsive to the people near her. She's on a morphine drip but she is still in pain.

She's still hanging on. The nurse thinks it will be another week. I don't know how she could go on another week in this condition.

Saying Goodbye

Today I got word that they are putting my grandma in hospice care.

It's been about a year and a half since she was diagnosed with cancer. At first we were all in shock, but we were optimistic. The doctors thought she had a good chance.

She struggled through the agonies of chemotherapy. Eventually she got the exciting news that her cancer was in remission. We were so relieved.

But... things took a turn for the worst again. We found out the cancer was back.... It was a bit of a roller coaster ride from there. We knew she might die, but things kept happening that would give us a glimpse of hope.

Just yesterday, there was a glimpse. Her doctors decided to try a new treatment on her. They weren't giving up.

And then.... today I got word that she's been taken to the Huntsman Cancer Center. The cancer is even more advanced than they realized. They are moving her to hospice on Monday, and they expect she'll live another 2 to 4 weeks.

I feel... numb, almost. I can't quite believe that it is true. It hasn't sunk in yet. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I move on to thinking about what I need to get done today (Oh yeah, I still need to shower.... I really need to straighten this kitchen... etc. etc.), I feel guilty... going about my normal life when hers is ending.

I want to go visit her. It's been too long! When I lived in Utah I saw her often, but it's been over three years now since I moved back here. I still saw her occasionally. The last time I really spent time with her was when I flew out for Melissa's wedding last year in February. I stayed at my grandparents' overnight and my grandma and I spent a lot of quality time together. It's actually one of my favorite memories of being with her.

I saw her again last June when I flew out for Kristie's wedding. But already she was not up to staying at the wedding celebrations very long.

By my wedding in November, she was too sick to come. The last time I saw her was a couple days before my wedding. I stopped at her house to show her my wedding dress. She told me she wished so much she could come to the wedding ceremony, but I understood that her health was too fragile.

I ended up having to rush off at the end of our visit. I was supposed to meet Trevor in Salt Lake City to get our marriage license. I wish I'd stayed longer with her then.

I'm wondering if I should fly out to see her one last time. Unfortunately I have a bad cold right now..... and the last thing I want to do is hasten her end. :(

I'm going to miss her so much. But I do know families are forever and this will not be the end. I need to keep that in my mind. Death is only a temporary separation.

My last time with Grandma before my wedding