Peace in Pain

 My sweet Granny mailed me a quote she read in a Relief Society lesson. 

"Is there something difficult in your life right now, something you’re worried can’t be resolved? Without the eye of faith, that might feel like God has lost oversight of things, and is that true?

Or maybe your greater fear is that you’re going to go through this difficult time all by yourself, but that would mean God has abandoned you, and is that true?

It is my witness that the Savior has the ability, because of His Atonement, to turn any nightmare you are going through into a blessing. He has given us a promise “with an immutable covenant” that as we strive to love and follow Him, “all things wherewith [we] have been afflicted shall work together for [our] good.” All things.

And because we are children of the covenant, we can ask for this hopeful feeling now!"

(This is from Tamara W. Runia's talk from the October 2023 conference.)

It was exactly what I needed to hear. Our family has been faced with a number of big trials this past month... And there have been several times I've said that it feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare, and I can't wake up.

But here is my answer. Jesus can change any nightmare into a blessing. He understands all the struggles we go through because, in addition to suffering for everyone's sins, He experienced everyone's sorrows, pains, and challenges. He understands our experiences perfectly because He experienced them too. If I lean on Him, I can get through this and even come through stronger. After all, isn't that a big part of why we chose to be born on this earth? So we could experience challenges that weren't present at home in heaven and LEARN from them, so that we could be more like Heavenly Father. How could we learn compassion if we never knew suffering? How could we be tested if things never got hard? This is all part of the deal.

Through the midst of all of this, I have had 3 powerful experiences of feeling God's peace and love carrying me through. I know He is with me in all of this. Somehow, it will be okay... someday. And even if it isn't okay now, I can pray for hope and faith to hold on until it is okay eventually, in this life or the next.

On my absolute hardest morning, I woke up and felt so much peace and comfort. The thought crossed my mind, "Things will turn out better than you think." I got my hopes up that one of my challenges was going to be resolved, but instead... it had the worst turnout possible. I was hurt and confused and wondered why I felt prompted that things would turn out better than I thought.

But Sister Runia's talk had the answer to that too. She said, "I bear my testimony that this—all of this—is going to turn out so much better than we could ever imagine! With an eye of faith on Jesus Christ, may we see that everything will be all right in the end and feel that it will be all right now." This life is hard, but our eternal future is bright--brighter than we can even understand in this life. Someday, things will be better than I can imagine. As long as I remember that, I will be okay.

Sad News

We lost the baby. :( I went in today and there was no heartbeat. The little body has begun to shrivel and shrink. 

Today is a hard day. 

TW: Potential Miscarriage

 I don't think anyone really reads this blog anymore, and that is fine with me. I understand that blogs have gone the way of the typewriter, and you've got to post on Instagram if you want someone to read it. :) I don't know if I want someone to read this or not. I do feel a need to share, and this seems like a safe way to do it.

Around Rosemary's birthday, Trevor and I waxed nostalgic about her baby days. And as a result... we ended up not trying not preventing that month, not really expecting anything to come of it that quickly. But, I got pregnant. It was the first time I'd ever surprised Trevor with pregnancy news. I set up this little display for him when he got home from work.

Our shoes and our birth years.... He thought it was really cute.

I have a thyroid disease and so I go into my OBGYN very early for my pregnancies, usually when I'm only 4-5 weeks along. This time they couldn't get me in until 7 weeks, but I had my regular doctor put in a thyroid test and check to see if my meds needed to be adjusted.

We went into the appointment and I was excited to find out we could use an ultrasound to see the baby that day. I mentioned to the doctor that I wasn't having the crippling nausea I experienced with the other two. My main symptom was insomnia. 

I always use a pregnancy tracker app to "watch" my baby grow. I knew a 7 week old baby should be the size of a blueberry. But right away the doctor asked if I could be wrong about when I ovulated. The baby was only measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, 11 days behind. The doctor could see a flicker that she thought was a heartbeat, though.

She said it was possibly I just had my dates wrong and I had a younger baby than I thought. But, it was also possible this was the first sign that something was going wrong. She told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound.

Well, that week passed slowly, and we went in yesterday to the actual ultrasound clinic across the hall. 
(My doctor used a small portable unit the first week). I hoped for good news and feared I would be told I was miscarrying. The ultrasound technician was so so quiet during the ultrasound. I knew something was wrong. At the end she told us she was sorry, but the baby's size wasn't matching the dates and we would need to see my doctor. We had to wait for an hour for my doctor to squeeze me in.

The baby measured at 5 weeks 5 days (2.1 mm), so he/she didn't catch up their growth. It probably isn't a case of being off on our dates. The doctor explained that our yolk sac is a little large too (6mm), which can be a sign of chromosomal abnormalities, although it isn't definitive and healthy babies have been born before with large yolk sacs. The one good sign is that the heartbeat flicker had changed into a readable heartbeat (107 bpm), although a bit on the low side.

The doctor was positive. She was honest that there is a still a chance of miscarriage, but she also thinks we don't need to totally give up hope yet. She says the portable ultrasound isn't very accurate on sizing, so she wants us to come back in another week and get another ultrasound at the clinic to see if there is any growth/a heartbeat still. She said that we should still celebrate where we were at, with a living baby inside me, regardless of what happens next.

Trevor asked her a million questions hoping she could tell us what is most likely to happen, a miscarriage or baby catches up, but she just couldn't tell us. She finally said flat out that she is concerned that this is not a viable pregnancy. But that right now, it still is a viable pregnancy and we just have to wait and see. She is happy about the heartrate but concerned about the lack of growth and the large yolk sac.

Today my heart is heavy. I tried to do some internet research, and all I found were stories of miscarriages. I am not feeling optimistic and I am so disappointed. But part of me, of course, can't help but hope for a miracle.