haunted

I found out I was pregnant on October 20. On November 21, I found out the baby's heartbeat had stopped. On November 28, I miscarried. 

So there was only one month where I thought I had a baby coming in June... and I spent half of that frightened because the baby wasn't growing right. There were only 2 weeks of looking forward to a third child... but those weeks sure haunt me. 

We told Matthew we were expecting. I guess this was a lesson to wait. But we only talked about it for 2 weeks. Once the bad news started coming, we stopped. He never asked any questions. I think he has forgotten all about it. 

I don't even know how to answer the question of how far along I was. Based on my last period, I should have been 10 weeks 2 days when I miscarried. But the baby's heart stopped sometime in between 8 weeks 2 days and 9 weeks 2 days, and the poor thing never grew bigger than they should have been at 6 weeks.

This Sunday I would have been 12 weeks along, and we would have shared our news with the world. I planned to slip it into a Christmas photoshoot... The kids would hold a sign that said "We're so cute, they're having another!" Silly that I planned that so early, huh? A cute idea but one I doubt I would want to use in the future. Would you believe at Halloween I even decided I would dress our family as the Aristocats next year? We would have enough kids for it! 

It helps a little to write this out in this little quiet corner of the internet. 

Peace in Pain

 My sweet Granny mailed me a quote she read in a Relief Society lesson. 

"Is there something difficult in your life right now, something you’re worried can’t be resolved? Without the eye of faith, that might feel like God has lost oversight of things, and is that true?

Or maybe your greater fear is that you’re going to go through this difficult time all by yourself, but that would mean God has abandoned you, and is that true?

It is my witness that the Savior has the ability, because of His Atonement, to turn any nightmare you are going through into a blessing. He has given us a promise “with an immutable covenant” that as we strive to love and follow Him, “all things wherewith [we] have been afflicted shall work together for [our] good.” All things.

And because we are children of the covenant, we can ask for this hopeful feeling now!"

(This is from Tamara W. Runia's talk from the October 2023 conference.)

It was exactly what I needed to hear. Our family has been faced with a number of big trials this past month... And there have been several times I've said that it feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare, and I can't wake up.

But here is my answer. Jesus can change any nightmare into a blessing. He understands all the struggles we go through because, in addition to suffering for everyone's sins, He experienced everyone's sorrows, pains, and challenges. He understands our experiences perfectly because He experienced them too. If I lean on Him, I can get through this and even come through stronger. After all, isn't that a big part of why we chose to be born on this earth? So we could experience challenges that weren't present at home in heaven and LEARN from them, so that we could be more like Heavenly Father. How could we learn compassion if we never knew suffering? How could we be tested if things never got hard? This is all part of the deal.

Through the midst of all of this, I have had 3 powerful experiences of feeling God's peace and love carrying me through. I know He is with me in all of this. Somehow, it will be okay... someday. And even if it isn't okay now, I can pray for hope and faith to hold on until it is okay eventually, in this life or the next.

On my absolute hardest morning, I woke up and felt so much peace and comfort. The thought crossed my mind, "Things will turn out better than you think." I got my hopes up that one of my challenges was going to be resolved, but instead... it had the worst turnout possible. I was hurt and confused and wondered why I felt prompted that things would turn out better than I thought.

But Sister Runia's talk had the answer to that too. She said, "I bear my testimony that this—all of this—is going to turn out so much better than we could ever imagine! With an eye of faith on Jesus Christ, may we see that everything will be all right in the end and feel that it will be all right now." This life is hard, but our eternal future is bright--brighter than we can even understand in this life. Someday, things will be better than I can imagine. As long as I remember that, I will be okay.

Sad News

We lost the baby. :( I went in today and there was no heartbeat. The little body has begun to shrivel and shrink. 

Today is a hard day. 

TW: Potential Miscarriage

 I don't think anyone really reads this blog anymore, and that is fine with me. I understand that blogs have gone the way of the typewriter, and you've got to post on Instagram if you want someone to read it. :) I don't know if I want someone to read this or not. I do feel a need to share, and this seems like a safe way to do it.

Around Rosemary's birthday, Trevor and I waxed nostalgic about her baby days. And as a result... we ended up not trying not preventing that month, not really expecting anything to come of it that quickly. But, I got pregnant. It was the first time I'd ever surprised Trevor with pregnancy news. I set up this little display for him when he got home from work.

Our shoes and our birth years.... He thought it was really cute.

I have a thyroid disease and so I go into my OBGYN very early for my pregnancies, usually when I'm only 4-5 weeks along. This time they couldn't get me in until 7 weeks, but I had my regular doctor put in a thyroid test and check to see if my meds needed to be adjusted.

We went into the appointment and I was excited to find out we could use an ultrasound to see the baby that day. I mentioned to the doctor that I wasn't having the crippling nausea I experienced with the other two. My main symptom was insomnia. 

I always use a pregnancy tracker app to "watch" my baby grow. I knew a 7 week old baby should be the size of a blueberry. But right away the doctor asked if I could be wrong about when I ovulated. The baby was only measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, 11 days behind. The doctor could see a flicker that she thought was a heartbeat, though.

She said it was possibly I just had my dates wrong and I had a younger baby than I thought. But, it was also possible this was the first sign that something was going wrong. She told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound.

Well, that week passed slowly, and we went in yesterday to the actual ultrasound clinic across the hall. 
(My doctor used a small portable unit the first week). I hoped for good news and feared I would be told I was miscarrying. The ultrasound technician was so so quiet during the ultrasound. I knew something was wrong. At the end she told us she was sorry, but the baby's size wasn't matching the dates and we would need to see my doctor. We had to wait for an hour for my doctor to squeeze me in.

The baby measured at 5 weeks 5 days (2.1 mm), so he/she didn't catch up their growth. It probably isn't a case of being off on our dates. The doctor explained that our yolk sac is a little large too (6mm), which can be a sign of chromosomal abnormalities, although it isn't definitive and healthy babies have been born before with large yolk sacs. The one good sign is that the heartbeat flicker had changed into a readable heartbeat (107 bpm), although a bit on the low side.

The doctor was positive. She was honest that there is a still a chance of miscarriage, but she also thinks we don't need to totally give up hope yet. She says the portable ultrasound isn't very accurate on sizing, so she wants us to come back in another week and get another ultrasound at the clinic to see if there is any growth/a heartbeat still. She said that we should still celebrate where we were at, with a living baby inside me, regardless of what happens next.

Trevor asked her a million questions hoping she could tell us what is most likely to happen, a miscarriage or baby catches up, but she just couldn't tell us. She finally said flat out that she is concerned that this is not a viable pregnancy. But that right now, it still is a viable pregnancy and we just have to wait and see. She is happy about the heartrate but concerned about the lack of growth and the large yolk sac.

Today my heart is heavy. I tried to do some internet research, and all I found were stories of miscarriages. I am not feeling optimistic and I am so disappointed. But part of me, of course, can't help but hope for a miracle. 

#momlife

Some days, man. 

Tonight I was running late making dinner. I tried to cook one handed with a crying Rosemary while trying to keep Matthew from destroying our home. Partway through I looked down and noticed a strange green stain on my sleeves. I had no clue what it was and kept going until a few minutes later, whenI realized Rosemary had a blowout I had been smearing all over myself. 🤣😂🤣🤣🤣

The worst part was I was cooking rice a roni on the stove and I didn't feel like I could leave to address the mess until I got it simmering. Once I added the water I left in a rush and forgot to turn down the heat. I came back to a thick layer of burnt rice on the bottom of the pan (most of it survived though, Fortunately!) And a toddler who also had a poopy diaper that needed to be changed. 

Life is crazy sometimes! It will be a funny story at some point... maybe even to whoever actually reads this :)

adventures

Matthew and I went on a little mother son date for a couple of hours. We went to the library and the play place at the mall. He even got to ride one of the coin operated rides there and he picked out some candy from the candy machines too.



The second I walked in my parents' door to pickup Rosemary, Mom pointed out that a couple buttons on my shirt had come undone and my bra was showing. Now I have to wonder when that happened and how many people saw. 😳😫🤣

Debbie

 Scrolling through Instagram (a habit I need to break!), I ran into a reel about good old turn of the Millennium music. "When you thought you would be Stacey's mom but realize you are Debbie."

The woman in the reel is singing along to Bowling for Soup's 1985 and then slows down as she realizes she is Debbie. "Debbie just hit the wall! She never had it all. One Prozac a day... Husband's a CPA. Her dreams went out the door when she turned 24...."

I'm not a perfect fit for that but wow. Middle age is just around the corner for me these days. I looked up when the song came out. 2004, 19 years after 1985. Here we are 19 years after that. I'm not obsessed with past culture like Debbie but sometimes it takes my breath away to realize how much time has gone by since college. I lived in Provo for 9 years and it felt like a long time. I realized recently that I've been back in Colorado for 8 years now, and it feels like a blink of an eye. Time is weird like that.

I'm relating more and more to middle aged characters on TV and in books too, which is weird! I kept reading young adult stuff for so long because at least it was clean, but now I'm much more Haymitch than Katniss. 

Life is hard. When you are young, you have big dreams. Of course you do. You should! You focus on the positive things you will experience in life. You don't know what challenges will hit and if you worried about them in advance it wouldn't help anyways.

Part of middle age seems to be accepting that no one has a perfect life, that things didn't go the way you hoped. Understanding that you don't need to be jealous of anyone else because no one gets through this life without some kind of suffering.

I've been through things that I didn't expect. It was excruciating for me to be single until I was 30. That sounds dramatic but I'm sure anyone reading this knows me well enough to remember how devastated I was when Prince Charming was delayed. Since then things have just been harder. I've gone through things I never thought I'd have to in my worst dreams and I have the PTSD to prove it. (I really need to get back in treatment for that....) I have a lot of friends facing serious health challenges right now, some of them life threatening. Some of my friends' little children are facing serious challenges. Some of my friends have already lost a parent or even both of them. Some of them are struggling financially and some can't seem to land a good job no matter how hard they work. I still have wonderful, beautiful, talented friends my age who have yet to have their first kiss or date their first boyfriend, things we dreamed of together as young teenagers decades ago. Others are waiting for their turn to become mothers and bring home a little baby of their own.

Life is messy and complicated. That is how it is meant to be. Somehow we have to find joy in the journey and figure out how to use the time we are given. I think of Anna in the New Testament, widowed for the majority of her life, so she chose to spend her years serving in the temple. I want to be like her and put my life to the best use that I can, even when it doesn't look the way I thought it would.